How Twitter created an emotionally available car as candidate for Prime Minister

Language is a funny thing.

Don’t believe me?

Did you know that “To Guide” translates to “Rectum” in Latin? I didn’t know either until I was looking for a wanky Latin name for my training business.

Rectum Consulting; training everyone, one arsehole at a time.

Technology has made language even funnier.

I'm very prone to typing issyoooos. 

For example, “doe snot” really doesn’t belong in a letter to a client. (Depending on the client).

I wasn’t the only one who typed that, because these days Word helpfully autocorrects this to “does not”.

Thank dog there are no more letters containing this example of ruminant sinus infection escaping the world of word processing. Not by accident, anyway.

The lesson? Don’t ever, ever trust your spell checker.

It’ll let you invent a whole new type of superannuation fund, given half a chance. Just ask a fellow trainer who was victim of this very behaviour in a PowerPoint slide.

I don’t think I want to know the type of growth Pubic Sector Funds have had over the last ten years.

Ewww.

Instant messaging brings its own dangers. Like the day I typed “rubs his hands” because the person I was messaging said they were cold.

Except that the internetz stole the h and cruelly switched the order of the n and a.

“Rubs his nads” took that relationship to hysterical embarrassment a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

Twitter has created some new words of its own.

Ah Twitter. I remember tweeting “I dream of suck a day”.

LeSigh.

Snazbig, which should have been amazing. I think snazbig IS amazing and have been using it regularly. I encourage you to join me.

It’s also given me words like Fuckpants. That’s an awesome word. Always to be used as an expletive. Never a noun. Never. Ever. Ewww.

Last but not least is a wonderful example of autocorrect creating an entirely new direction of conversation THAT MAY CHANGE THE WORLD.

Mrs Woog had written about how devastated she was that her car was on its last legs. I told her she would learn to love again, but autocorrect on my phone changed it to learn to love Shaun again.

This took us on a lovely random wander through how great Shaun was, and how he would heal Mrs Woog’s emotional wounds. I said that Shaun should be Prime Minister.

Someone who follows Woogsy then chimed in asking who this Shaun guy was, and would he be better at it than the current people in charge of the government?

Thank you, Twitter and bad typing, for giving us the opportunity to CREATE AN EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE  CAR THAT SHOULD BE PRIME MINISTER.

Fuckpants, I dream of suck a snazbig day!

What funny typos have you seen?

How we invented spoon porn and other adventures at Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012

There will be a bazillion wonderfully written blog posts about the session content that made up the tea-fuelled glory that was Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012. They will be written in superlative style, with skilled Instagrammed photos of towering high tea trays and perfectly coiffed fashion bloggers.

This is not one of those posts.

I learned a lot at Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012, and had a totally fantabulous, snazbig time. I’ll be making changes to my blog over the next few weeks to reflect what I’ve learned. I met so many wonderful people that I can’t list them all. I came away enriched and inspired.

Here are my highlights.

Highlight 1: Starting my day started at 3.35am. OK so that’s a lowlight, not a highlight but I needed to let everyone know HOW MUCH I SUFFER FOR MY ART.

Highlight 2: Finallysnogging body slamming kidnapping hugging my stunningly wonderful soul sister Redundantmother for the first time. Not only is she a great writer, she’s a mega hugger and a sexy thang a beautiful lady to boot.

That's my soul sister on the right. I heart her to the max.

Highlight 3: Receiving this gorgeous framed quote from my soul sister.

Excerpt from Desiderata there's something in my eye

Highlight 4: Meeting Mrs Woog! AHMAHGERD!

“It's Wooooooooooooog…”

Highlight 5: Sharing a table with two lovely ladies from Something Gorgeous –Toni and Giulia. I forgot to check my emails at 3.35am so missed the notice informing me that animal print was the uniform of the day.

Bloggers are ANIMALS

Highlight 6: Morning“high” tea, which was genteel and lovely and far too fancy for the likes of me. This isn’t a food blog and there are already loads of shots of it all over the internet so here’s a photo of a random meerkat instead.

Random Meerkat is random

Highlight 7: Meeting Eden Riley from Edenland. What a kind, generous, real woman. So touched that she was familiar with my froggy brand.

Highlight 8: Seeing Woogsy and Eden speak on separate panels. They speak EXACTLY how they write. Authentic much?

Highlight 9: Meeting the fabulous Kim from Allconsuming. Hilarious, warm, wonderful, talented.

Highlight 10: Spoongate.

We were set up!

What spoon?

Exhibit A for the Prosecution

Spoon porn. These are not my boobs.
My boobs totally do not look this good in a spoon.

Highlight 11: BREAKING THE INTERNET. Well, Instagram and Pinterest anyway. Oh and the hotel wireless…

Highlight 12: Meeting Jaclyn from Little Paper Trees at drinks. This lady is smart and radiant. Go follow her blog!

Highlight 13: Drinking wayyyyy too many sauv blancs, and waking up in the morning (thankfully in my hotel room) to find this photo on my phone:

Shoe porn for long-sighted foot fetishists

I was a bit worried that I’d drunkenly joined the out-of-focus shoe porn industry overnight. I didn’t remember taking that photo. I trawled back through my twitter feed and discovered that I was so overjoyed when I got my shoes off that I took a shot of one to celebrate. It’s also proof that I AM CRAZY PSYCHIC. More on that later.

Highlight 14: Stuffing my ankle. OK this is actually another lowlight but stop judging me, Judgey Judgersons, this is my post to do what I like with. AND THAT’S A SUBJECT FOR ANOTHER POST.

In the morning I showered, checked out, and went over on my hypermobile ankle three metres from the hotel

So I must have known that I was going to wreck my ankle so I could have a shoe porn BEFORE shot, to go with this AFTER shot:

Ouch

Actually, I think Betadine is also psychic because in the totally generous and snazbig goody bags, was this…

Prescient goody bag contents

… which is perfect because I’ve woken up today with a sore throat.

I still have one good ankle, so who’s up for the Problogger event in Melbourne in October?!