Are you smarter than a building? I'm not.

These last two weeks I’ve been in a building in the Melbourne CBD each day.

What I’m doing isn’t important (well of course it’s actually VITAL TO THE FUTURE OF MANKIND –  but not important to this blog post).

I want to tell you about the building I’ve been working in.

This building expects psychic abilities from its inhabitants. It’s one big intuitive intelligence test. It’s a VERY SMART BUILDING.

Seriously.

What’s missing from this wall, given that the wall is next to a lift?

And this one?

Yes there’s no button to call the lift, right?

Wrong.

Those big shiny gold decorations ARE the lift buttons.

Imagine, you start working in this building. On the first day, several of you poor shlubs stand around looking lost, searching for a way to call the damn lift. Someone smarter than you walks up and presses the upper side of one of these and miracle of miracles, that calls the lift.

Once you’ve passed (or in this case, failed) that intelligence test, and you get into the lift, you face another test. You have to put your access card against the sensor pad on this panel, before pressing a floor button.

Can’t see it? You know it’s there because you’ve seen people use it.

You try to find it.

This lift is currently under video surveillance and the security dudes ARE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU as you stand for a good minute wafting your card like an idiot in front of various parts of the wood panelling, to no avail. You fail this test too.

Oops.

Down to the Ground floor.

Back in the front door. At least you can SEE the security access pad for this one. See?
 

And so to the final indignity. Lurking in the glamorously dimly lit bathroom, are high quality porcelain sinks set in marble. Luxury! I hear you cry. Yes! Stunning. But what’s missing from this picture?

You guessed it. They have no visible way of turning the tap on.

It’s another test.

So you thrust your hands at various angles, trajectories and speeds into the sink in your own embarrassing, tragic version of toilet jazz hands, frantically searching for the magic action that will trigger the invisible sensor and GIVE YOU WATER.

Someone smarter than you comes in and catches you gesticulating madly at the porcelain and informs you that only Sinks 1 and 3 work.

You sheepishly move to Sink 1 and – another miracle – water gushes out and you get to wash your hands. You feel proud of yourself. You got a sink to work. How clever you are.

This building has tested me this week and found me wanting. I am not intelligent enough to call a lift, press a floor button or turn a tap on.

Yes, when I took the photos of the lift buttons and the invisible security sensor pad, I locked myself out. I am dumber than a building.

Are you smarter than the building you work in?