Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Are you smarter than a building? I'm not.

These last two weeks I’ve been in a building in the Melbourne CBD each day.
What I’m doing isn’t important (well of course it’s actually VITAL TO THE FUTURE OF MANKIND –  but not important to this blog post).

I want to tell you about the building I’ve been working in.

This building expects psychic abilities from its inhabitants. It’s one big intuitive intelligence test. It’s a VERY SMART BUILDING.

Seriously.

What’s missing from this wall, given that the wall is next to a lift?



And this one?


Yes there’s no button to call the lift, right?

Wrong.

Those big shiny gold decorations ARE the lift buttons.

Imagine, you start working in this building. On the first day, several of you poor shlubs stand around looking lost, searching for a way to call the damn lift. Someone smarter than you walks up and presses the upper side of one of these and miracle of miracles, that calls the lift.

Once you’ve passed (or in this case, failed) that intelligence test, and you get into the lift, you face another test. You have to put your access card against the sensor pad on this panel, before pressing a floor button.


Can’t see it? You know it’s there because you’ve seen people use it.

You try to find it.

This lift is currently under video surveillance and the security dudes ARE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU as you stand for a good minute wafting your card like an idiot in front of various parts of the wood panelling, to no avail. You fail this test too.
Oops.

Down to the Ground floor.
Back in the front door. At least you can SEE the security access pad for this one. See?
 


And so to the final indignity. Lurking in the glamorously dimly lit bathroom, are high quality porcelain sinks set in marble. Luxury! I hear you cry. Yes! Stunning. But what’s missing from this picture?


You guessed it. They have no visible way of turning the tap on.

It’s another test.

So you thrust your hands at various angles, trajectories and speeds into the sink in your own embarrassing, tragic version of toilet jazz hands, frantically searching for the magic action that will trigger the invisible sensor and GIVE YOU WATER.

Someone smarter than you comes in and catches you gesticulating madly at the porcelain and informs you that only Sinks 1 and 3 work.

You sheepishly move to Sink 1 and – another miracle – water gushes out and you get to wash your hands. You feel proud of yourself. You got a sink to work. How clever you are.

This building has tested me this week and found me wanting. I am not intelligent enough to call a lift, press a floor button or turn a tap on.

Yes, when I took the photos of the lift buttons and the invisible security sensor pad, I locked myself out. I am dumber than a building.
Are you smarter than the building you work in?

28 comments:

  1. I've been in few buildings like that. So over-teche they've become stupi rather than smart design.

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    Replies
    1. They've tried to keep the Art Deco style of the building but it's made things tricky!

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  2. Hmm... the building I work in is not that modern... But 3 of us were defeated by the shower fittings in the hotel in Korea...!
    Turns out that you need to pull the fitting OUT - we all worked out what should be the controller, but we had baths, as none of us could get it to switch to shower mode... :-)

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  3. Having visited this particular building many times I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I thought it was just me that couldn't get in or out of the lifts or wash my hands after peeing!
    Thanks for the laugh Miss M.

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  4. Redundant MotherMay 10, 2012 at 10:47 AM

    Oh I love this post! Hilarious, soul sister. I can just imagine you jazz-handing all over that building trying to work out what the story was. Well done x

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    1. Thanks darling I please to aim ;-)

      xxxxx

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  5. I think if you can't work out how to use a lift, turn on a tap, or flush a toilet (my pet hate), then the building, the wanky designers, and the accountant who signed off on the bills have FAILED. Shits me. You did well to come away with sense of humour intact. I wouldn't have.

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    1. I suspect the people who renovated wanted to keep the Art Deco feel. At the expense of practicality.
      Thanks for reading :-)

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  6. I rarely leave home, so will assume I am not smarter than a building. However, your post has made me laugh and that's a plus. I might apply to work in such a building as a security guard in order to get my daily laughs. But, it does sound like a wanky building.

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    1. Thanks Becky. Yes I bet those security guards could sell tickets to come watch the CCTV...
      Thanks for reading!

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  7. Oh my what a crack up! Did you wonder if you someone was going to jump out and yell 'you're on candid camera!' anytime soon?

    Visiting from FYBF

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    1. Hi Jess. Yes LOL

      I have one more day in that building... I will not let it break me!

      Thanks for dropping bye ;-)

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  8. Loathe those sensor taps. Just what is it sensing? My level of frustration? Does it have to reach level x before I'm permitted some water?
    Just think of all the noobs you can now rescue using your 'smarter than a building' skills.

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    1. ROTFLMAO!

      Only one more day to go, then I'm outta there. The building always wins in the end...

      Thanks for dropping in and commenting!

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  9. Hilarious! Thanks for my daily chuckle.

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  10. Lol! That's too funny! It's amazing the stupid, impractical designs of work buildings. I bet there are cameras everywhere. Watching your every slip up...laughing away with a box of popcorn :)

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    1. I suspect they sell tickets...

      Thanks for dropping in Grace!

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  11. That building looks incredibly frustrating. I would definitely be giving the security peeps a few laughs.

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    Replies
    1. Guess I should be glad for the jazz hands workout but puleeze!

      Thanks for reading :-)

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  12. I'm glad I don't work there. When I can't get something to work, I quietly run away and pretend I never wanted to do that after all...

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    Replies
    1. I like the way you think!
      Thanks for reading sweetie
      x

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  13. Only you could think of toilet jazz hands!Luv it.
    Now you have made me very afraid of entering modern buildings.
    Im sure they would defeat me :)xx

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    1. Thanks darling. I was back in it the other day - THE HORROR! xxx

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  14. Oh, that's terrible. Boyo and I couldn't find the tap sensors nor the paper towels in a posh shopping centre recently. I just whipped out a free sample of hand gel I'd just been given and tried to forget all the hideous additives!

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