Eight reasons why I had to break up with July...

Oh hello July. Nice to see you. Oh, you’re leaving already? Seems like you only just got here.

We need to talk. Yes, I'm afraid it's THAT kind of talk. You see, it turns out you’re my second most hated month. So I guess I won’t be too devastated when you run out the door.

(Oh don't look at me like that June. You KNOW you win the prize for being the suckingest suck arse month of all time. You excel in craptacular suckage, just so you know).

Hey July don’t forget to take your cold mornings and UV deprivation with you when you head off. Oh and make sure you tag August so he knows it’s his turn. It’d be confusing to go straight from July to September. Could that trigger the end of the world? Who knows. At best it’d make for some very awkward questions.

Although… I’m sure there are some school events I’d like to avoid in August…

Nope, don’t argue, I’ve made up my mind. You have to go.

Oh, don’t take it personally. You’re just a month, remember? Harden the fuck up.

We had a good run but now it’s over. What? You want to talk about the good times we had before you go? Well OK…

1.       Achey Breaky Ankles

Together, you and I found out I am the Gold Medal Record Holder for breaking things (mainly ankles).

2.       Prunella Gertrude Mabel Frog was born

We called out my inner Random Sarcastic Idiot (RSI). RSI is a dumb name. From here on, I decree that my RSI is called Prunella. Prunella Gertrude Mabel Frog. Prunella has had a busy month. She is a bitch.

3.       You can’t open a wormhole using an iPhone

We remembered that I had a DHD app on my phone. (no it’s not a hair straightener. Google it, if you’re not a Stargate fan already. And shame on you if that’s true!) I’d installed it and promptly forgotten. You can use it to dial your phone. I am in nerd heaven with this thing:

Getting my nerd on.
It even sounds like a DHD,
and has an animated wormhole splash.
Deep satisfied Geek Girl sigh.

It occurs to me that it’s just as well it doesn’t really open a wormhole in space because it would mean the end of the world make a big mess be really inconvenient to be phoning for a ham and pineapple pizza in a really important phone interview while fighting off invading aliens at the same time. Plus I reckon the effort of bending time and space would drain the shit out of my iPhone battery.*

4.       Spellingnazis rule

We discovered that – ermahgerd - Blogger doesn’t spell check the titles you give your blog posts. Big thanks to Debbish (@RockafellaSkank) for pointing it out and generously saying that she assumed the mistake was deliberate. Yes *cough* of course it was…

5.       Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award hell

You were there when I was awarded the Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award** because I made these. Child coloured them in.

Minecraft. Kill me now.

6.       Alltime Winningest at Attracting Weirdos Award

You looked on as I discovered I was winningest at attracting creepy older guys on planes. Here’s a tip fellas, it’s completely appropriate for you to strike up some harmless banter with the woman sitting next to you on the plane. However, when she’s offered a different seat that suits her broken ankle, don’t express disappointment that you’re now not going to be able to go the grope while she’s asleep. It’s disgusting creepy repulsive not funny. What the everloving hell were you thinking, dude? Let’s just take the line between funny and inappropriate and pull down your pants and shit on it jump right over it into the ewwwwwwwww zone.

7.       Cos that’s how this frog rolls

July: “What did you do today?”

Me: “ I raged about the stupidity and futility of humanity and got sad. Then I discussed how to milk a cat and felt better.”

8.       I had to work

We decided that if I had to work, this was how to do it:

Don't hate me.

And so, July, looking back, we’ve had some scary creepy bad weird painful ... times. All I can say is before you go, order me a spectacularly immense one of these please:***

Make mine a double.

Now, let’s have one last kiss, July, and walk away (no - don’t look back). We may not have each other, but we’ll always have our memories.****

*OK I lied, that last bit occurred to Prunella. Sarky moo.

**I lost some Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award points by accidentally bending the sword. Yes, it’s a sword. The other one is a pickaxe. God don’t you know anything?

***If you own it, please let me know so I can attribute it pull it down say thank you.

****Now send in August, I have a bone or two to pick with him…