Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Conversations with my brain: Nature is an arsehole

Why the fuck is there a picture of Stras at the top of this post?
Looks delectable (cough). Mmmm.
Read on.
Image

Brains really are arseholes.

I guess that explains why I failed Biology.

Seriously, though, it doesn’t help me one bit when I try to sleep and my brain decides to write a comedy routine. An hour-long comedy extravaganza, as it happens.

And a pretty shit one at that.

It was called Gently Mental and one day it may appear somewhere other than inside my head.

Or not.

One of the themes from this questionable comedy classic was how much nature, as well as my brain, is an arsehole.

Nature has no trouble with not being nice. It just does what it pleases, lets it all hang out, without ever fearing judgement.

The natural world has absolutely no problem at all being a total bastard, and frankly, I’m jealous.

Take a few examples:

I recently talked about how I disposed of a particularly objectionable slice of beetroot.

That wasn’t the last example of my creative food disposal techniques.

Have you ever eaten Stras?

Strasbourg is a type of lunch meat, made from the snouts, ears and bums of various unidentifiable hooved animals, mixed with sawdust.** It's also called Devon, Fritz, and OH MY GOD IS THAT EVEN FOOD?!

This delightful combination is mashed together and moulded into a tube. You then slice this tube up and inflict it on your children in the guise of “Stras sandwiches”. Often served with tomato sauce.

Stras sandwiches were a lunch of choice on the camping trips of my childhood.

Safe to say, my hatred of Stras is only outweighed by my hatred of pickled beetroot.

Me:        “What’s that noise?”

Brain:    “It’s coming from under the log. Oh no.”

Me:        “Now mum’s looking under there. We’re in trouble now.”

Brain:    “It sounds like something’s eating under there. Jesus! What kind of moron would voluntarily eat that crap?”

Me:        “It’s a Blue Tongue. No denying it now.”

Brain:    “Why not? We could pretend that Stras occurs spontaneously in nature.”

Me:        “Nope, I’m going to confess.”

Brain:    “No don’t be a fool! Shit. You’ve already done it. Idiot.”

It’s quite hard to deny that you’ve thrown your stras under the log you’re sitting on, when there’s a massive Blue Tongue lizard sitting under there chewing on a big slab of the stuff. And not being quiet about it.

There it was, munching away, thinking its reptilian Christmases had all come at once.

A windfall for you, mate, but pretty damn embarrassing for me. Thanks, bastard.

* Under a pile of rubbish at the Whitehorse Recycling and Waste Centre, I suspect. I know, I’m going to hell.

** I have no idea what’s really in Stras. Please don't tell me.

Have you ever caught nature being an arsehole?

24 comments:

  1. Have never, ever eaten Stras and don't intend to start now. Could we have a sample of the comedy routine? Or was that it?

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  2. I've never even heard of that appalling stuff, thank the lord! Or if I have I blotted out it out in horror :D

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  3. PS, I do like the new look of the blog. I wasn't too sure at first, I missed those daft photos of your face and my daughter will lament the passing of the frog with the moustache! But it does look clean and visually appealing and I am loving the fact that your frog looks semi pissed off :D

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    1. Thanks love! You can still see my stupid bonce on the contact page ;-) x

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  4. Straz is made of dog snouts, pigs' bottoms and the insides of green caterpillars. It can be used to plug up small holes in windows but should not be for human consumption.
    Nature, while I worship it, can be complete bitch. Witness the wasp that hid in my laundry, and stung me three times on one finger while I was folding a sheet, half an hour before I was to give an Advanced Belly Dance class at home. Do not try veil technique with one finger wrapped in a tissue that is dampened with witch hazel and lavender oil(I wasn't thinking straight and they were the only solutions I could think of). It spreads the owie all over your body and you swell like a motherfucker until you can't move, and someone has to pour a gallon of antihistamine down your throat while your students watch.

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  5. One comment only.... spam (in a can, that is...) !

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  6. Or the day I was making custard on school camp and a kookaburra flew overhead and shat in the mix, I looked around, yes all clear, kept on stirring and got sooo many compliments on the custard that night that I've taken out the patent on kooky custard.
    (my life as a traveling circus without tent)

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    1. Sue I'm never eating at your house again ;-)

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  7. I'm familiar with Straz. Its the deli meat otherwise known as devon. Some call it polony. I have fond memories of it on my school lunch teamed with industrial grade treasure. As for mother nature - she's a bitch.

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  8. I love the new look! Especially the cross frog. I call stras "devon". We never had it as kids, my mum loathes and despises it THANK GOD! I think nature is an arsehole every time I stand in a cold slimy hairball vomit from our neurotic cat. The horror.

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    1. Oh god yes that's truly horrible LOL x

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  9. I call it devon too. Lunch meat from hell. It came warm, in sandwiches slathered in tomato sauce. Thankfully that was other kids, not me. I got vegemite. The luxury. Nature is indeed a bitch. Nature invented slugs that squelch between your bare toes. Nature invented leeches. Nature invented sleep, and its necessity (but it's your goddamn brain that tells you you HAVE TO DO IT NOW! NOW! Or the world will be over by the morning). Brains, too, are a bitch.

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  10. Having grown up with Scottish heritage, (they eat the whole animal) Devon was simply the convenient alternative to Ox tongue! The Ox Tongue tasted better, was home made and so you knew what was in it ... tongue! We also had Tripe in white sauce (lining of a sheep's stomach), Crumbed Lambs brain, Lambs Fry (Liver I think) and Bacon but thank God, Haggis was not something we were tortured with. Not even at Hogmanay! Hope I have not turned too many stomachs :-) PS Love the new look of the blog, but am missing your smiling face xo

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  11. I was an avid Stras on toast with tomato sauce fan as a kid.....sad but true. I don't think I could look at a slice now without involuntarily vomiting.
    Looking forward to that comedy routine too!

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    1. Oh god blech blech blech.

      Blech.

      Thanks, video on its way soon, I promise!

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  12. I had a bit of a devon fetish when I was at school. Mind you I also used to eat some sort of chicken paste thing.... so there's no accounting for taste.

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    1. Oh yes! I know the one! There was a smoked devon paste and a smoked chicken paste in tiny glass jars!

      Oh. I wish I hadn't remembered that LOL

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