Monday, February 18, 2013

Will I have to emigrate to avoid a murder conviction? (Is 7 too young to be Emo?)


Seven is too early to be Emo. Image from here.
 
Those of you who’ve been stopping by to graze on a little slice of crazy here for a while will know that I’m not much of a Parent Blogger*.

However, I feel compelled, given current circumstances, to ask some questions about parenthood.

Questions like:

What the ever-loving FUCK was I thinking?

And:

Where the hell is the receipt for this child, I need to return him NOW?

I’m asking those questions because, dear readers, someone has taken my child and replaced him with a teenager.

That would be OK**, except he’s seven, not fifteen.

He’s always been difficult, often badly-behaved and generally challenging. He’s also always been easy to love, funny, crazy and sweet. And we’ve always been able to influence his behaviour with privilege-removal-based punishments.

Since starting Grade 3, he’s turned into a surly, sneaky, smart-arsed, argumentative, obstructive, Emo teenager. And our standard punishments have stopped working.

“Well what did you THINK I wanted?”

“Don’t do that again or you’ll be in big TROUBLE.”

“No I won’t do X. I don’t care what you do.”

“Of COURSE that’s what I said, what are you, DEAF?!”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”

Oh, the unfettered joy.

The sarcasm gene has suddenly switched on in the six weeks since Christmas. Thanks Santa, you can take THAT little present back and shove it right up your sack.

Let's not forget the mess. The couch, the floor, the bed are all apparently rubbish bins. And every surface in the house is a potential tissue. Euuurrrghhhh.
 
I love my son with frightening depth and ferocity. But the other day he was shitting me to almost-tears so much with his Emo bullshit*** that I seriously considered getting a cab to check in to the nearest hotel just to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.

I can’t help feeling he’s peaked too early. If he’s like this now, what will teenagerdom**** be like?

Will I have to emigrate to avoid strangling him?

It’s taking a lot of deep breathing and calm-blue-sea to deal with the person he is right now. This is how I felt when I woke up this morning:
 

 
* I don’t like using the term Mummy Blogger. That's an odd term applied, apparently, to those women who’ve spawned, and who also blog. I avoid it because it’s used – in the press in particular – as a put-down.

** Yes I know it won’t be OK at all once he really IS a teenager
 
*** Before anyone imagines I've had amnesia or suddenly become an idiot, yes I know I was a Goth. I was polite and sensible about it though, and waited till my late teens.

**** That is SO a word. Shut-up or I’ll send my child to your house for a week. Actually, can I send my child to your house for a week? Alternatively I'll come and he can stay home. I can pay my rent in wine.
 
HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO MOVE OUT
TO AVOID A SMALL HOUSEMATE
WHO SHARES YOUR DNA?
WHAT DID YOU DO?

22 comments:

  1. Ha! Feeling your pain babes. Mine is also high functioning aspergers, which just makes arguments so much more fun since saying things like "What do you think I meant?!" is often met with genuine incomprehension. The joy of motherhood - what a mother feels when her children are asleep ;)
    xo

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    1. They're perfect when they're asleep, it's true!

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  2. Please learn from my inadequacies - stamp out this behaviour early, oh and the emo thing, I left it too late with my baby bat and now I have to raid his closet for my clothes/shoes/rings etc.
    Come visit and I'll show you the 'after' to your before'

    actually I really like him <3 :)

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    1. Ha! Stamp out the behaviour early... you're so funny!!!

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    2. yeah :) while retrospective abortion remains illegal laughing is the only answer. Oh and alcohol.

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  3. I'd love to see photographic evidence of you as a Goth ;-)

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    1. I may well publish some one day... LOL but don't hold your breath! xxx

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  4. I have locked myself in my room and turned the music up so loud just to get away from the smart mouth of my girl.
    No matter what I would say she would have an irritating reply to.
    I wish I could say it didn't last too long but I still have to deal with it some days and she is 18!
    One thing that keeps me going is the saying I have up on my wall....
    Love Me Most When I Deserve It Least..That's When I Need It The Most.
    I hope things improve for you hon and until they do..Deep breaths.Xx

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  5. Sometimes I just want to run away from home, LOL. Like this afternoon, when less than two minutes after the kids arrived home, the kitchen was covered in chocolate milk. Sigh.

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  6. MC, you can come and stay with me anytime you like. Keep in mind you should probably make it before August as there'll be a screaming infant installed. Whilst possibly cuter, I don't think sleep deprivation was what you were going for...

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    1. Yes as much as I appreciate the offer, perhaps... only until August???

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  7. I wanted to leave both my four year old son and 1 year old niece on the side of the road today. As I carried baby girl in the Bjorne because she won't sit in her pram and 4yo boy insisted on being my baby a did sit in the pram I pushed both kids up a massively steep hill in 30 degree heat and dreamt of a better life. Only for one split second.

    I did, however, tell Ned about the "naughty boys' home" that children who don't do what their mother's tell them to do get sent to. He's been really quiet since. I feel guilty. I'm sure I've broken all the current parenting rules.

    Good luck with your emo. I dread the day that Ned starts doing to me what I did to my parents. Dread it.

    V.

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    1. Thanks V. Rules are there to be broken LOL

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  8. You've read my blog. Therefore you know I have no advice.

    Fuck I need some chocolate. For the love of Channing Tatum DON'T GO ON A CHOCOLATE BAN!!!! It's an essential I wish I had realised before now!

    xxx

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    1. Chocolate I can live without. Wine, on the other hand... oh the huge manatees...
      x

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  9. Thankfully, I am a single Mum. So, I sent him to his Father's ... But he sent him back .... Ah well. Mine is 15 now, same shit, but he is taller xo

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  10. Holy crap. You just described my girl, she's 12 and rolls her eyes alot and leaves wet towels all over the floor! Love your blog x Michelle

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    1. Hi Michelle, thanks for reading!

      Yes. Mine is male and not quite 8. I despair!

      x

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  11. WOW 7 going on 15, fuck what a handful. All I can say is blame the little bastards at school for changing him.

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