Thursday, June 14, 2012

The bog blog

Dear Cistern Sisters,

Today, not for the first time, when I went to the bathroom, I sat in someone else’s pee had an unpleasant experience.

So I have a bone to pick with some of you.

(Gentlemen, feel free to look away now. If you choose to proceed, don’t bitch complain to me. You have. Been. Warned.)

My Cubicle Colleagues, it’s time you and I had a frank chat. I need to talk to you about the way you use that most hideous of common structures; the Public Toilet.

You know the ones. The ones with undefinably nauseating smells, noxiously mystery stains and frightening tragic hilarious bemusing graffiti. The Laydeez Lavs. The bog. The loo.

I’m not going to talk about men’s public toilets. I neither know NOR WANT TO KNOW what those are like. The last time I was in one was thirty-two years a long time ago. Our family was on one of its frequent interstate road trips. At 2am we stopped and a bleary 12 year old me stumbled, half awake, into the (thankfully empty) wrong toilets at the petrol station.

Therapy has done wonders, although I still flinch when someone says urinal.

Which, as it happens, is surprisingly often.

I try to avoid using the public loo. Sometimes, though, the need outweighs the fear and you just have to go.

I know many of my fellow Porcelain Princesses share this abject horror of the Public Lav. If you work in an office, you also have to share a Corporate Loo. There’s no avoiding the fact that sometimes you’re going to have to use amenities that have also been used by revolting filthy alien horrid unknown humans.

Recently, some of you have told me of your techniques for avoiding contact with any surfaces in these offending amenities. Some of you have told me that you don’t sit on the seat.

Excuse me?

That’s right. You hover above the bowl in a feat of super human gymnastic strength, and don’t sit down. I get it – you’re trying to avoid sitting in someone else’s urine. Or maybe you’re just trying to develop the upper-thigh strength of a horse.

This has solved a mystery for me. See, I’m a Butt Planter. When I sit down on said bog, I sit on the seat. And no matter how hard I try, no matter what creative angles I use, I cannot get pee on the seat. It’s physically impossible.

Yes, I’ve tried. Why do you ask?

So exactly whose pee is it that we’re all sitting in avoiding? Who’s responsible for all these porcelain puddles?

It’s you. It’s all you Toilet Hoverers.

You’re trying to avoid the pee created by all the other women trying to avoid the pee of all the other women trying to avoid the pee… in a weird, self-perpetuating Obsessive Compulsive cycle of puddle creation that would make Howard Hughes proud (and revolted).

So here’s the deal, on behalf of myself and all other Butt Planters. If you Bowl Hoverers and Lavatory Levitators promise to plant your butt cheeks firmly down on the seat as it was designed, there will be no more pee puddles.

If you need to develop your upper thigh strength, go to the gym.

(And use the Public Toilets there. I guarantee I’ll never sit in your pee there).

If you don’t honour your part of this deal, I promise I will blog about my theories around why I often find the seat on the toilets in the Ladies Lav up, rather than down.

Think about it.

Don’t make me go there.

Are you a Lavatory Levitator, or Butt Planter?





19 comments:

  1. Butt planter. Please do not get me started on whether the paper should roll over or under. Yes, it matters.

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    1. Over, I assume? ;-) Thanks for reading.

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  2. Bloody hilarious, Michaela and SO true!!! Yes, Dr Bron: the folder or scruncher debate is next :)))

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    1. Thanks Prof B! I am a folder, as it happens... yes perhaps that's the next post... LOL xxxx

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  3. Very edumacational. Now if I *were* a hoverer- why on Earth would I admit it here? You have made your position very clear!

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    1. Hahahaa! Well if you're a hoverer, I admire your thighs but for humanity's sake, Plant that Butt ;-)

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  4. My grandma used to say "DON'T SIT ON!!" very loudly from the next cubicle, so my childhood was as a Hoverer, but now I am older (much!) I am a Butt Planter - probably in defiance of childhood warnings. Public loos in my childhood always bothered me a bit - they used to have, behind the cubicle door, a metal poster headed something like "Don't Spread Disease", and an outline of a female figure with arrows pointing to various parts, and Gonnhorrea, Syphilis, etc writ large in red print. As I didn't know these words, I had no idea if these were the diseases I might get if I "sat on", or something else entirely (kids in the 1950s were very innocent in general - no,we were ignorant rather than innocent,I think!
    I,too,have noticed the tendency for the seats to be often up in ladies' loos - have no explanation, though. A Loo Seat Fairy?

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    1. Thanks Mum. Yes I think that toilet seat thing can be an urban myth - UNLESS YOU SIT IN SOMEONE'S PEE!

      I rest my case ;-)

      xxx

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  6. Levitator, but if I leave a single drop I clean it up!!! I am just as indignant about finding those puddles from others, as I am horrified that I might actually leave one.

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    1. On behalf of Butt Planters everywhere, I thank you ;-) x

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  7. Vigilance when about to plant the butt... and if there is any doubt, extra toilet paper is conscripted for the purpose of protecting my ME from their puddles... :-)

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  8. LOL! I admit, I'm a Lavatory Levitator BUT I always WIPE the entire seat and then flush. So, I know this letter wasn't addressed to me ;)

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    1. On behalf of all the Butt Planters, thank you!!! x

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  9. Im a butt planter.For as long as I can remember mum would cover the complete public toilet seat in toilet paper before we sat down.Kind of like a magic paper shield of protection.
    Funny as it may seem it is a family tradition that has carried on to this day!Lol.
    Thanks for another great laugh.Your topics never cease to amaze me.Love how your mind works lovely lady :)xx

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    1. A magic paper shield of protection? LOVE IT!

      Thanks D xxxx

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  10. Hilarious but definitely advice to heed. It could also be little boy pee ...I have two and that is the cause of pee on the seat and puddles in my house.

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    1. Hmmm but I bet Trish that you're a good mum who wipes up after them in a public loo...

      Hadn't thought of that... but doesn't explain office toilets (the little boys there go to the Men's...) ;-)

      xx

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